Well first of all I would like to say that this blog will normally not be an every day thing. Mostly a once a week thing unless something comes up and I need to vent or if its really important.
I guess the reason I am posting today is because that fear kicked in. That fear of another ectopic. I keep seeing different numbers and hearing such horror stories that I am about to cry with fear. I have read that about 65-80% of pregnancies go on to be normal pregnancies within the first two years of trying after an ectopic. The thing is I signed up with a sort of message board for those who have also experienced an ectopic pregnancy and, well, it seems like most of them had miscarriages after their ectopic and are on pins and needles if they are again pregnant. But the thing is I noticed most of them jumped into the ringer again after they got the OK from the doctor. I wonder if not giving the body enough time to heal can be the causes for another ectopic and possibly the miscarriages.
I made myself a little note of positive encouragement today. I plan on sticking it under my pillow kinda for good luck and positive energy. It says:
"I will get pregnant. I will have a healthy and normal pregnancy."
I always read that positive thoughts and energy can help for positive out comes. Fingers crossed that it is truly the case. I just feel sick to my stomach with fear. Maybe that is why many people do not try for another baby after an ectopic pregnancy, that fear. I looked up when I would be ovulating this month and according to this my best days are from the 17th to the 20th so who knows right. Chances are I will not get pregnant on this cycle, but I am still going to remain hopeful.
Well for those of you also trying, I send you tons of baby dust and positive thoughts.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Day one of Cycle 1
Anyone who has ever lost a child knows that the pain is just indescribable. I lost my third child due to an Ectopic about 5 months ago...September 17, 2011. The thing is my midwife ignored all the signs and symptoms and in the end I went through one of the most horrific experience of my life.
I was on the mini pill after having my son about two months prior. I normally am not a pill person but I wanted to try to breast feed again since I had little success with my oldest. I took my pill every day same time and everything...the only thing is when my son was about 5 months old I again gave up breastfeeding because again my breast and milk supply did not want to work with me. I switched to combo feeding. A month later my period did not come. I shoved it off to the change in breastfeeding and went in to see my midwife to change my birth control. Since my period was late they were required to do a blood test. Feeling that my my lack of period was due to stress of a new baby I still did not worry unit I got that call. The following morning she called me and told me I was pregnant. My Hcg levels were at 36 the midwife was convinced that I was just early on in my pregnancy. I was devastated but after much discussion with my husband we decided that the baby had beat the odds and we wanted to keep it. About 3 days later I started to bleed. When I say bleed I mean bleed. I would have to wear a pad and I really honestly thought I was miscarrying. I went to the ER and they said my cervix was closed and decided to do labs again...Hcg 136. My levels were slowly rising, but not as they should. Again they pushed off the signs. I continued to go in for labs and while they were going up it was not the jump they wanted to see. Finally a week after my first trip to the ER I woke up around 3pm with the most horrible pain in my right side. I went to get some Tylenol and ended up clasping on the floor. Lucky my husband heard me call for him and found me. He quickly called 911 and I was taken to the ER. Once there a new doctor asked me where my pain was and I showed her. She asked me how far along I was, I stated I did not know but I knew I was at least 5-8 weeks pregnant. I was taken into Ultrasound and the look on her face was somber, and told me that the doctor would review it. There was no baby in my uterus. My doctor again came in, she stated that I had all the signs of an ectopic and that my levels were at 5500. They wanted to do surgery even though they were not sure of the location of the ectopic. I am devastated. The baby that we had a hard time deciding to keep was gone, never to bring me its joy, never to let me see its smile or hear its laughter. It hurt. It still hurts. She leaves for a brief moment and comes back in quickly saying they found my ectopic. I had to get the surgery. My husband was by my side when they prepped me for surgery. When I woke up from the surgery I felt empty. I didn't feel pregnant, I did not feel as though I was blessed with life. I do remember the doctor telling me she found the ectopic and was able to remove it and save my right tube.
I ended up going though a continual ectopic which means the ectopic persists even after its been removed. With surgery they can not gather all the cells and those cells can divide quickly. I ended up being treated with methotrexate, finally ending my pregnancy.
It has been a long road, mostly filled with coping with the loss of our child. I was blessed with two amazing young boys and an amazing husband who I can not see my life without. Today we have decided we are ready to try. Ready to give this another shot, ready to bring a new life into the world.
I have about a 60% chance to have a normal pregnancy. Those are not that big of numbers, but you never know. This is my journey to the hope of conception and a healthy pregnancy. I am going to be considered a high risk until they are able to determine my levels are rising normally and that the baby is in the correct spot so well see.
I hope that this can provide hope for those also trying after losing a child. I feel your pain and worry. We are in this together.
Well Fingers Crossed!
I was on the mini pill after having my son about two months prior. I normally am not a pill person but I wanted to try to breast feed again since I had little success with my oldest. I took my pill every day same time and everything...the only thing is when my son was about 5 months old I again gave up breastfeeding because again my breast and milk supply did not want to work with me. I switched to combo feeding. A month later my period did not come. I shoved it off to the change in breastfeeding and went in to see my midwife to change my birth control. Since my period was late they were required to do a blood test. Feeling that my my lack of period was due to stress of a new baby I still did not worry unit I got that call. The following morning she called me and told me I was pregnant. My Hcg levels were at 36 the midwife was convinced that I was just early on in my pregnancy. I was devastated but after much discussion with my husband we decided that the baby had beat the odds and we wanted to keep it. About 3 days later I started to bleed. When I say bleed I mean bleed. I would have to wear a pad and I really honestly thought I was miscarrying. I went to the ER and they said my cervix was closed and decided to do labs again...Hcg 136. My levels were slowly rising, but not as they should. Again they pushed off the signs. I continued to go in for labs and while they were going up it was not the jump they wanted to see. Finally a week after my first trip to the ER I woke up around 3pm with the most horrible pain in my right side. I went to get some Tylenol and ended up clasping on the floor. Lucky my husband heard me call for him and found me. He quickly called 911 and I was taken to the ER. Once there a new doctor asked me where my pain was and I showed her. She asked me how far along I was, I stated I did not know but I knew I was at least 5-8 weeks pregnant. I was taken into Ultrasound and the look on her face was somber, and told me that the doctor would review it. There was no baby in my uterus. My doctor again came in, she stated that I had all the signs of an ectopic and that my levels were at 5500. They wanted to do surgery even though they were not sure of the location of the ectopic. I am devastated. The baby that we had a hard time deciding to keep was gone, never to bring me its joy, never to let me see its smile or hear its laughter. It hurt. It still hurts. She leaves for a brief moment and comes back in quickly saying they found my ectopic. I had to get the surgery. My husband was by my side when they prepped me for surgery. When I woke up from the surgery I felt empty. I didn't feel pregnant, I did not feel as though I was blessed with life. I do remember the doctor telling me she found the ectopic and was able to remove it and save my right tube.
I ended up going though a continual ectopic which means the ectopic persists even after its been removed. With surgery they can not gather all the cells and those cells can divide quickly. I ended up being treated with methotrexate, finally ending my pregnancy.
It has been a long road, mostly filled with coping with the loss of our child. I was blessed with two amazing young boys and an amazing husband who I can not see my life without. Today we have decided we are ready to try. Ready to give this another shot, ready to bring a new life into the world.
I have about a 60% chance to have a normal pregnancy. Those are not that big of numbers, but you never know. This is my journey to the hope of conception and a healthy pregnancy. I am going to be considered a high risk until they are able to determine my levels are rising normally and that the baby is in the correct spot so well see.
I hope that this can provide hope for those also trying after losing a child. I feel your pain and worry. We are in this together.
Well Fingers Crossed!
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